JUST REALIZED #7 - WHY I'M ALWAYS OUTSIDE

Growing up, I was raised by a hardworking single mother who did everything to provide for me (her only child at the time). Her dedication to her job meant she was rarely at home. On her off days, she’d rest or go to church, recovering from the demands of being a news anchor. The nature of her job (constant travel and unpredictable hours) meant that, from a very young age, I became accustomed to being alone. And I hated it.

My thoughts overwhelmed me. I couldn’t stand my own company. In lower primary, my daily routine was predictable: come home from school, do homework, eat, play outside, shower, eat again, call Mom to pray together, and then sleep. But I dreaded the homework part. I would do it at school with my friends or even on the bus the next morning—anything to avoid sitting alone in the house. We had a house manager, but our conversations were surface-level, not the kind that could fill the silence in my mind. Playing with my friends became my escape, my way of avoiding solitude.

In upper primary, I went to boarding school, and for the first time, I loved school breaks (not for the rest, but for the company). At home, I spent time with cousins or neighbors. I couldn’t stand being in the house for too long because it meant being alone. I found ways to pass the time: taking walks, going to the playground, playing stick of death or football, and witnessing the absurd drama of kids being kicked out of games for scoring against the "team owner." My mantra became, “The holiday will end, and I’ll be back to people.”

High school, however, flipped everything upside down. Circumstances forced me to stay home, face myself, and wrestle with my thoughts, the very thing I had avoided for years. It was ugly. I grew to hate myself and feel deep resentment. Then COVID hit, and the lockdown became my personal prison. Staying indoors meant no school (my safe haven) and more time trapped with my overthinking mind. I tried everything to distract myself: learning physics, solving math problems, talking to my dogs, reading books, spending hours on Zoom, and diving into anything that could keep me busy. But the silence still crept in.

Now that I’m in university, I’ve reclaimed my escape: being outside. I fill my days with museums, garages, evening services, social clubs, events, running, and random activities. I’m often on campus until 10 p.m., doing everything possible to avoid sitting with myself. Being alone takes me from 0 to 100 real quick, and 100 is never a good place.

It’s not that I dislike my own company; it’s that I overthink and overanalyze everything—dwelling on my past or future rather than living in the present. (I’ve written about this in other blog posts.) Alone, I spiral into toxic thoughts, hating myself over hypothetical scenarios rather than reality.

As I step into this new year, I choose to be more intentional about where I place my energy. I’m embracing the world outside my mind meeting people, exploring new places, and filling my life with experiences that keep me grounded in the present. So, if you need a companion for a road trip, a spontaneous adventure, or even just a quick coffee run, I’m your go-to. Whether it’s Naivasha, Zanzibar, or a random spot down the street, I’m down