JUST REALIZED #8 I'M NOT MEANT FOR LOVE

With this being the month of love and all that, I took some time to reflect on Valentine's Day, and here’s what I came up with.

I deeply believe that love whether romantic, familial, platonic, or even self-love is not meant for me. As someone with avoidant attachment tendencies, I think it's best to stay out of romantic relationships, at least until I’ve fully healed and no longer fear taking risks. Right now, I’m not ready to put my heart on the line again. Maybe that will change as I grow older.

Have you ever had a heartbreak so bad that even after healing, a bad flashback hits you the moment you start liking someone? If you haven’t had your heart broken yet and you’re turning 20 or already in your 20's… good luck (lol). My cycle is simple: I like someone, we talk, I ghost. I get too scared. And for a while, I was okay with that because love is everywhere, right? In friendships, for example.

But even then, I struggle. I don’t think I deserve love. I don’t see why my friends or anyone would love me , including myself. Sometimes, I put my friends in difficult situations. Sometimes, I overwhelm them with my issues. Sometimes, I’m too impulsive. Sometimes, I don’t think, and they have to think for me. And sometimes, I just don’t want to burden them, so I distance myself. Then I convince myself that they are better off without me. I go days, weeks, or even months without talking to anyone, and when I’m finally ready to return to the social world, the same thoughts creep back in: They are better off without me. Maybe I hold them back. Maybe I exhaust them. (It’s giving Firefly Lane,if you haven’t watched it, please do.)

And then there’s family. Family is supposed to love you unconditionally, right? They should always be there for you. Yet, most of the time, I feel like I don’t deserve their love either. I feel like a heavy burden. They’ve invested so much in me ,paying for things I lost interest in, like baking and cooking classes, basketball academy, swimming, and more. But sometimes, I can’t fully express myself to them. I lie or stay silent because honesty often leads to guilt or disappointment. And I hate that feeling. So I shut down. It’s not that they haven’t tried to understand me (they truly have) but I think they are just too African in their way of thinking (and I don’t mean that in a rude way; it’s just how they were raised).

The thing is, I have the best parents in the world. I know they have flaws like everyone else, but they’ve done so much for me the biggest being that they have invested in my education, my future and how did I repay them? With bad grades and rotting in my room? It gets to a point where I think: I genuinely don’t deserve the love they give me.

I used to believe that, no matter what, at least I would always be there for myself. But I am my biggest hater. I genuinely hate myself.

I hate that I can’t concentrate.

I hate that I’m too hyper sometimes.

I hate that I lose interest too quickly.

I hate that I judge myself harshly.

I hate that I can’t communicate.

I hate that I run away from everything ;people, opportunities, emotions.

I hate that I can’t ask for help.

And I hate that this is just a small list of all the things I hate about myself.

Younger me would be so disappointed in who I am now, and that thought alone makes me want to cry (tears are dropping in real time as I type this, just so y’all know). No words can fully describe the depth of self-hate and failure I feel.

I can’t keep relationships.

I can’t keep friendships.

I keep disappointing my parents.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’ve lost interest in the things I once loved like vlogging, writing, meeting new people, running, learning new film techniques, people-watching, spending time with friends and family. And the worst part? I worked so hard to pull myself out of this feeling, only to go so far in the opposite direction that I started hating everything including the coping mechanisms that once helped.

I can’t even take care of myself. I get sick a lot. Injured a lot. I never finish a full month of prescribed medication because I feel better after two weeks. I’ve stopped doing my skincare. I don’t eat well. I’ve put myself in life-threatening situations more times than I can count. But by the grace of God, I’m healthy and alive.

It’s crazy that I can’t seem to get anything right.

And what’s even crazier?

I hate myself more than I will ever love anyone.

So tell me,how can anyone love me if I can’t even love myself?