JUST REALIZED #9- I don't get inspired. I get JEALOUS.

I wish I could get inspired by people I'm jealous of, but I genuinely cannot, try as I might. Let me tell you guys a story about a person who doesn't know of my existence, a person I probably shouldn't know of either, a person not in my geographical location, not on my continent, not of my ethnicity or race, and we don't speak the same language other than English. This person is an amazing artist. An amazing one. I am jealous, especially because I'm also an artist. Why can't I be on the same level as they are? We're about the same age. Both art majors. Why am I not good? Will I ever be good enough? OK, enough of that before I get too emotional, start doubting myself, and spiral into panic attacks, because I will compare myself to this human being.

I think I'm jealous because we have access to the same things: education, a few mutuals, and people who support and love us (anyone doing art in university, supported by their parents, is definitely loved). I'm also jealous because what is stopping me from becoming a great artist? I think it's my brain. I genuinely wish I could get inspired by people, but every time I see someone online I admire, I burn out. I push myself to the core; I push myself until I crash, and then, because I didn't get the results they had, it turns into resentment. It becomes hate. It becomes a whole cycle. Now I just feel jealous that they could do it and I couldn't, so I block. TikTok, Instagram, Spotify, VSCO, Substack, Facebook… (I could name them all.)

I think I've been looking at this from a very, very bad angle because what the hell? I need to find inspiration in things other than human beings, because I get so jealous of humans. But I'm not even sure what exactly I'm jealous of: what they create, what they have access to, who they know, who they've known, who they represent, where they walk, how they edit, or how they just do their thing. It's not like they're the first people to ever do this. It's not like everyone on social media can't, I don't know, work at the UN, so many people work at the UN, but I am so fucking jealous because that's my dream. Maybe. I'm not sure anymore. See, I'm getting corrupted by these people. I get so jealous, I don't even know my own dreams. I don't know what I want, what I need, what I deserve, what I can get, or what people went through to reach the place I'm comparing myself to. I don't even know if I'm getting the best; maybe somebody already took the best, and I'm left with the scraps. Kill me now.

This is just a realization. I've had it for a while, but most of my panic attacks in the past six months have only been about jealousy and comparing myself to other people. It's quite pathetic, I can't lie. It's very pathetic. But putting this out there, letting everyone know I'm such a loser, I think that'll help me. I really hope it does, because I am trying to stop. How does one stop? I went to therapy, got too scared, and left. You know what, I'm going to go back. This is a promise to myself. I am going to go back. Anyway, this is truly, truly just a realization: the jealousy will be the end of me.